Palpatine’s Coronation

Guest post by Zav Pulsar, BrightStar News

Earlier this afternoon in a special session of the Galactic Senate, Supreme Chancellor Palpatine declared himself Emperor, reforming the Republic into a Galactic Empire. The Senate reaction to this declaration was mostly positive, with the exception of a few minor planets already known for promoting dangerously radical policies.

Emperor Palpatine emphasized his platform of increased security from outside threats, a stronger military, and the elimination of a group of religious extremists who have been enemies of the state since this afternoon. When asked about the need for such an extreme measure as forming an empire, the Emperor assured reporters that his information about the threats we face–which must remain secret–is absolutely true, and that we can all take his word for it.

Some alarmists have spoken out against the idea of such an authoritarian and militaristic move. In a press conference after the Emperor’s self-coronation, His Exaltedness attempted to assuage their unfounded fears.

“Our enemies respond to strength, and that’s what we’re going to show them. Take this new line of ships the Galactic News Net has been all worked up about, the Star Destroyers. That’s just a name! They’re destroyers that travel between stars, that’s all.” He chuckled. “Trust me, we can’t destroy stars. We can’t even destroy planets, just yet.”

Our illustrious Emperor gave other examples of the improvements he will be implementing immediately, such as:

  • “Clone Troopers” will now be known as “Stormtroopers.” (The emphasis of “storms” over “clones” clearly representing a renewed focus on traditional values and environmentalism.)
  • Citizens should no longer feel obligated to say “May the force be with you.” In fact, no one should say this anymore, ever. It is now classified hate speech.
  • Aliens on the capital world of Coruscant will now receive special treatment. All aliens, report to the lowest level of the city you live in and await further instructions.

The wise and mighty Emperor Palpatine did not comment on the holo-video that surfaced yesterday, apparently showing him firing some sort of electrical energy out of his fingertips and into a protocol droid after it dropped his soup. Despite the alarmist reaction of some other news networks, most citizens are unconcerned. As Outer Rim nerf herder Grav Gonnel said, “Aw, that’s just somethin’ that happens sometimes. Even the best of men slip up now ‘n then. Besides, it was just a droid.”

Responding to this issue and other criticisms leveled against our glorious Emperor, local businessman and CEO Janus Stargrafter said that critics of Palpatine should “just give him a chance.” He added, “It’s been less than a day since the man declared himself emperor! These whiners are judging him prematurely.”

We here at BrightStar News pledge to remain open-minded and objective, and we wish magnificent Emperor Palpatine (dare we say “The First”?) all the success in the galaxy.

(Editorial note: We are also pleased to announce that BrightStar News has been chosen as the official, exclusive reporting agency for the Empire. We regret that our long-time competitors at Galactic News Net will not be reporting alongside us, as they are currently occupied with their recent financial and legal troubles.)

Smuggled Goods Table For Edge of the Empire

By heydrienne (Flickr) [CC BY 2.0], via Wikimedia Commons

While running Edge of the Empire last night, I wished I had some tables like the ones that come with Savage Rifts—the ones that let you generate an adventure on the fly. Specifically, what I wanted in our session was a list of commonly smuggled items, because the players wanted to pick up a quick job.

(I borrowed “counterfeit foodstuffs” from Lords of Nal Hutta, because I found the term entertaining and wanted to see how my players interpreted it. Collectively, we decided that the cargo would be wax fruit, on its way to be sold for school lunches.)

Here’s a table I put together to use next time. I didn’t see anything that exactly suited my needs online, though the community support for this game is outstanding and it wouldn’t surprise me if someone has done this already. Also, I don’t own the smuggler book yet, so something useful might be in there. (If so, let me know!)

Smuggled Goods Table

d10 Commodity Recommended subtype (d4)
1-2 Stolen goods (1) artwork, (2) documents, (3) data, (4) artifacts
3-4 Counterfeit goods (1) clothing (2) high-tech items (3) luxury items (4) foodstuffs
5 Technology (1) droids/droid parts, (2) ship parts, (3) cybernetics, (4) other restricted tech (e.g. comms, cloaking tech, lightsabers
6 Weapons (1) archaic personal, (2) modern personal, (3) vehicle-mounted, (4) ship-mounted
7 Drugs (1) spice, (2) hallucinogens, (3) death sticks, (4) potent beverages
8 Biological cargo (1) bacterial agents, (2) animal parts, (3) live animals, (4) live plants
9 Medical items (1) medication, (2) bacta, (3) replacement parts (cybernetic or organic), (4) poison
10 Exotic (1) slaves, (2) captive(s), (3) hazardous materials, (4) something really weird (e.g. alien babies, sentient gases, transdimensional contraceptives)

If you have anything you’d like to add to this table, let me know in the comments!

The Rogue One Holiday Special

Did you see there’s going to be a Rogue One Holiday Special? I’m so excited! Here are the details:

“Over the river and through the woods…to a galaxy far, far away! Join Mon Mothma, Red Leader, and lots of BRAND NEW wacky characters as they celebrate Life Day–one year BEFORE the celebration shown in the original epic Star Wars Holiday Special. Just as you felt when you first saw that classic celebration of Star Wars seasonal spirit, the Rogue One Holiday Special will leave you wondering, “What just happened?!?”

“Although Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, and Harrison Ford couldn’t make it this year, you’ll be convinced that they DID, thanks to the magic of CGI! Enjoy extended close-ups where you can see every lifelike pore on Luke’s face, Leia’s alabaster skin and painstakingly-rendered hair buns, and Han’s devilish smirk–all of them up to 92% accurate!

“Joining the famous rebels this year are a fun batch of new additions to the Star Wars canon, including:

  • K-2S0 (that’s “zero”, not “O”!), K-2SO’s evil twin (featuring an LED mustache).
  • Red Leader’s family, Martha and little Johnny Leader.
  • The Imperial Marching Band. (They may not hit all their notes, but these musicians are real troopers!)

“Finally, you won’t want to miss a few special treats we have for your human eyes and ears. Singer-songwriter Sia joins us to sing “The Twelve Parsecs of Life Day” (sure to be an instant classic), and a new animated short will introduce this year’s hot new action-figure-tie-in character: Darth Fett.

“You won’t find this magical show on just any old streaming service this year–in fact, you won’t find it on any streaming service at all! In order to recreate the magic of the most famous 1970-era science fantasy holiday special of all time, we’re releasing the Rogue One Holiday Special on unlabeled VHS tapes and distributing it directly to fan conventions and comic book store discount bins.

“Happy Life Day!”

-Image created at